This problem is running rampant in bars and clubs around the world, and its about time someone did something about it. So you're at a bar, and maybe the music is kind of loud. You can't hear yourself talk, so you raise your voice a bit. You're talking to a cute girl. You want her to be able to hear you, so you put your mouth next to her ear. But she keeps pulling away, like she's in pain. Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE SCREAMING INTO HER EAR!!! Please, don't do this. It's painful. Next time you're at a club or bar with your friends, do a volume check with a friend of yours if you're not sure if you're one of these people. Your friend will let you know if his eardrums are bleeding from talking to you. And to the guy at Karaoke Monday last night, yes, we're talking about you.

If you are gonna text, ask a question that's easy to answer.  I was with my friend last night and she got the following text: "You were right. Maggie Grace is a terrible actress. I'm watching TAKEN right now."  What is she supposed to say to that?  "Yes, you're right. I am right."?????  No.  She has nothing to say to that.  She has been muted by texting.  Paralyzed.  And it's a shame because it could have been sooooo easy.  All he needed to do was add a simple "What are you up to?" or "Still hanging with your friend?" to the end of that text, and BOOM, something she could actually answer!  So boys, do a girl a favor, and when texting, put a question mark in there somewhere.  You can do that for us, right????

Ok guys.  Please stop asking, “Should I buy her this/give her that to show I like her?”  If she’s not your girlfriend you don’t buy/give her anything!  Got that?  Nothing!  We met a guy once who brought something to give a girl on the first date!!!  AHHH!  Nothing says insane like, “here ‘girl I don’t know’, I brought you a present.”  That’s for creepy guys in vans or on ‘To Catch a Predator’ trying to lure underage girls and you are too young for that shit.  Yes you pay for the date, of course, but no you don’t need to do anything on top of that.  See because if a girl is attracted to you, the first interactions are just a series of trying to see what’s wrong with you.  They are trying to figure out why don’t have a girlfriend.  If you are giving her gifts right off the bat she’s going to have more fuel for her fire.  She’s goina think: “why does this cute, smart, funny guy think he has to buy me something too?  Something is wrong with him and I’m going to get to the bottom of this.”  Worse yet she could be thinking: “Man this guy is hard up, has he ever been out with a chick in his life?  He must be so desperate.”  I’m are not saying it’s not the best thing in the world to get something your boyfriend thought of you for, but re-read that I said BOYFRIEND.

This has never worked in the history of man kind: GIVING HER ADVICE OR LISTENING TO HER RATTLE OFF ABOUT HER EX OR CURRENT BOYFRIEND or father for that matter.  She will never think of you as an actual dude if you don't stop that shit immediately.  Let her cry to her girlfriends-NOT YOU!!!  If you sit there and listen to that shit it would be like slowly becoming a woman in her eyes.  IT DOESN'T WORK!!!  Be the guy she's crying about, not the guy she's crying too!!!  If you feel the urge to get into it, YOU MUST RESIST.  Shoulders to cry on are the guys GIRLS USE until they find that guy they will actually get with.  Don't be that shoulder!!!  We love you too much to see that happen to you!!!

So there are a bunch of guys out there who are really hard up, hard up for SEX or any almost version of it.  That’s fine; we’ve all been hard up in our lives, Wing Girls included.  Great.  Fabulous.  Wonderful.  Being hard up makes guys do all sorts of crazy ass shit, that’s ok too.  Girls can accept that.  What I can’t accept is that when this hard up dude finally gets laid he abandons his previous life and is crazy rude to his former girl friends.  No, not ex-girlfriends, in which case he shouldn’t be talking to them anyways, I’m talking his friends that are girls that have listened to him through sick and through poor.  It’s just weird that penis insertion could make a guy who was previously super nicey mcnice turn into a royal fucking dick wad over night.  Baffling really.  I thought that shit was supposed to make guys happier.  I thought getting pussy makes guys feel right in the world, like helping old ladies across the street and shit.  Unfortunately with some guys I’ve noticed the exact opposite, they turn into massive assholes who think because they found someone to fuck them they don’t need anyone else.  What?  Someone to watch Family Guy with and rub my balls?  What more could I ask for in this life?  Bye friends.  Bye Family.  Bye Hobbies, Aspirations and Goals.  Bye Personality.  And Especially Bye girls who I was keeping around hopping that one day they would drunk fuck me or something.  Some guys are just keeping their girl friends around and being super nice because they want us to sleep with them one day.  That totally sucks.  The thing is my friend, who recently did this, I was really happy for him!  The girl is pretty and nice and I was completely stoked!  Then he started getting this attitude with all his friends like “I have a gf now my life is complete, and I’m also a giant douche now!”  So lame.  So to all my boys who are on the verge of getting some action, don’t forget the rest of the world.  Remember that being totally submerged in booby does not give you free asshole range.  Also on a side note, or in closing, remember that the girl that is sleeping with you does not find any of this behavior attractive.  When she sees how easy it is to be your whole world, she wonders what's wrong with you.  How could someone abandon everything for me?  He must not have anything going for himself.  Also in terms of time if you spend every second with her she is going to be totally turned off.  So even if you would rather die, be nice to the people in your life and make time to hang out with your friends and family, no matter how much you’d rather be neck deep in lady privates.

Oh mind-blowingly hideous tattoo, who thought you were ok?  What redheaded manboy found he needed a Yoda to laser fight his freckles?  Do you actually think, even for one moment since getting this tattoo, that a woman with both her legs would find this attractive?  I say boooo to this tattoo.  The force is not, in fact, strong with this one.  If I saw this tattoo on a guy I would seriously have to question my sexual orientation and reason for living.  Thought process of such a man must have been: "I know! I know! I'm goina get a nerdy cartoon tattoo, that will really rake em in!  Girls will be lining up to see if Yoda will be able to shake that big mole off his laser!"  Or maybe it was "I never want to have sex again!  I'm sick of sex!  Its a dirty thing and I don't want to do it anymore!  I know just the trick!"

I'm so glad these guys found someone to make them feel like they made a good choice regarding facial hair-- someone to turn to when girls look at them and cringe.  Here's the deal, we are willing to accept that these guys were somehow transported to a time in the mid nineties when they were both in a band called Soundgarden.  But now they are back and something must be done.  When a girl looks into a guy's eyes she doesn't want to see her own unkempt vagina staring back at her.  If by chance a man with a goatee does start kissing a girl and she says she likes it, she may be a lesbian.  On no planet is this a good choice.  It’s Tacky McTackerson and also makes you look ugly.  It's not like, "Well I know this is out of style but its so flattering."  Because it's not.  I promise you.  If a girl has the imagination to see you without your goatee and agrees to go out with you, you better believe she will ask you to shave that shit before she introduces you to her friends.  Sporting this look is like walking around with a t-shirt that says, "I Heart Humiliation", and we all know you don't.

I, Jet, do solemnly swear not to go out with anymore guys who don't meet hygienic standards and practice a small amount of self care.  With that said, a while ago I hung out with a man who did not make it a point to figure out why his gums where bright red.  Hello rampant gum disease!  Ewww.  They looked an inch away from bleeding!  Even thinking about it makes me want to crawl into a ball and cry.  This is sort of a pattern with me-- trying to look past things that I don't want to look past.  It's like when I was dating this chain smoker a couple of years ago.  I hate cigarettes.  They literally make me sick and yet here I was taking it to the dome 24/7.  Pathetic.  Just because I liked his band didn't mean I had to ignore his rotting yellow teeth.  I also know this guy who constantly has peeling lips.  So not kissable.  Get some chapstick, dude, and if it's a little herp then get some Abreva.  So many fixable things, so little time.  If you think the girl you're dating does not refer to you as "Mr. Gingivitis" you are gravely mistaken my friend.  And if you think her and her peeps don't sit around conjuring up ways to let you know, you are again mistaken.  I like teeth and I like 'em white and clean.  I'm not talking super white (a girl can dream can't she?)  I'm just talking in the white family.  There is a thing called a tongue scraper too guys, it's like 2 bucks, and it can change your life.  Also for those of you who are too busy to actually floss (I feel you), then there are these sticks with the floss already attached.  It's easy and if you forget you can always do it in the car. Also Listerine mouth wash is never a bad idea.  It seems pretty obvious and simple.  You should be getting a dental cleaning every 6 months.  If you do all that I say and your teeth are looking good, and you still have bad breath then the problem is probably with your nose.  You see if you have bad allergies or throat stuff goin on then your breath could suffer.  So go to the doctor and tell him to check you out.  Look bro, I'm assuming you have enough strikes against you so this should be a given.  Clean teeth and good breath.  You don't want to go through your whole life with an invisible asterisk that says "but has a rancid mouth".  Girls can see that even if you can't and she can only hold her breath for so long.